How To Navigate Sobriety In Your 20’s
Sober curious. The term everybody is talking about- or at least the term everybody was talking about during Dry January. No, but really, it’s everywhere – people are writing books about being sober curious and otherwise throwing the term around left and right.
But when it comes to being sober curious, most people want to know how do you actually do it? Because it’s one thing to understand what it is to be sober curious, but it’s another thing to attempt being sober curious while in your 20’s surrounded by friends hitting the bars every Friday and Saturday. There’s peer pressure, feeling the need to turn down fun social plans if you aren’t drinking, and the insecurity that comes with going against the grain, that makes it so damn difficult to do what feels good for us sometimes. To prioritize our own needs and desires over what other people want to hear or what other people think is best for us.
To tell you the truth, I love being sober. I feel great, my mind is clear, I feel deeply connected to myself, and being sober supports my body as it continues to heal from chronic illness. But I didn’t always feel this way about my decision to quit alcohol, and that’s the exact reason why I’m writing this. To open up the conversation surrounding alcohol, and more importantly, to normalize it! To make not drinking SO normal that people no longer get asked the question “why aren’t you drinking?” after telling someone that you’re choosing to abstain for the night. Because people who don’t drink seemingly always get asked that question, no matter what.
I’m also writing this because three years ago, when I made the decision to quit drinking, I desperately wanted a resource to latch onto to help me feel confident in my sober curious choice. I wanted somebody to tell me it was cool, inspiring, empowering, and that I could still “fit in.” It felt like nobody was talking about it then, which inevitably made the beginning of my sober curious journey an emotional rollercoaster of sorts.
So if you’re sober, sober curious, experimenting with an alcohol-free lifestyle or someone who has been down this road before, I’m extremely proud of you (as it’s not an easy path to go down).
Now let’s dissect being sober curious.
How do you actually do it? How do you go from waking up one morning after binge drinking all weekend to cold-turkey quitting alcohol and staying in all weekend? The good thing is, you don’t have to! You can still join your friends when they go out, you can still go to the concert, and hit the bars on a Friday night. It might not be with a vodka soda in hand, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a miserable experience. And the best part? You can wake up early the next morning and go about your day hang-over free.
In all seriousness, moving away from alcohol and into your truth is tough, and I’m not going to sugar coat it. When I ended my turbulent, personally toxic (due to my rapidly declining health condition), and too-frequent state of being blackout drunk relationship with alcohol, I remember feeling judgment from peers seeping into my bloodstream. I felt weird, different, isolated, and left out from the people around me. I felt that I no longer had a place in the social groups I was in, and my sense of stability from belonging in those groups felt like it was suddenly ripped from beneath me. Because at this age many of us create a social identity that goes hand and hand with alcohol, and once the alcohol is removed, an identity crisis emerges. Having previously been known as a “big party girl,” the change to being known as a “girl with chronic illness who is sober” pretty much felt like the lamest thing on the planet. To put it simply, I felt uncool!
Now for those of you reading this who have embarked on your own sober, sober curious, alcohol free, whatever you want to call it, journey and have felt similarly, let’s reframe the narrative together – drinking doesn’t make you cool, and not drinking doesn’t make you uncool. To each their own. Period!
Stepping into my highest and most confident self after making my decision to quit alcohol took a lot of work. It took a lot of hard conversations with myself, a lot of tears, a lot of insecurity, and the painful act of letting go of people, environments, and situations that no longer served me. Because when you step into your true self, things that actually weren’t true to you to begin with also slip away. And that isn’t easy. But that’s the beauty of growth and evolution – that’s the beauty of hitting rock bottom and falling apart. You always get back up and you rebuild, reset, grow, and step into a new, more aligned version of yourself that you wouldn’t have stepped into without the downfall. So, whenever you feel you are hitting rock bottom, just remind yourself that – just around the corner – there is a greater, wiser, stronger version of you waiting to be stepped into.
It took a lot of courage, the ability to find and use my voice, boundaries, and consciously tuning out the outside noise to truly step into the version of myself that was proud, confident, and excited to tell people I no longer drank alcohol. To be able to confidently tell people I was struggling with chronic illness and that alcohol was no longer aligned with my life was a big step given that I used to try and block out the fact that that was my reality. Because once you debunk the myth that not drinking – especially when it’s for your health and for the sake of what feels like survival – isn’t cool, you become empowered and you find an entirely new confidence within you. And the funny thing is, that confidence was always there! That confidence is your highest self, your soul, the truest form of you – sometimes it just takes falling apart, gaining perspective, changing our inner narratives, and ridding ourselves of the labels that society gives us, to find it.
For anyone interested in quitting alcohol (short or long term), leaning towards being sober curious, or struggling with chronic illness, here are some tips, truths, and takeaways from my experience:
You can get a mocktail anywhere you go. You just have to ask! I usually opt for sparkling water with lime or (if I’m feeling crazy) I go for a non-alcoholic spicy margarita. Bartenders and restaurants are always accommodating, so don’t be shy!
You can still go out (to concerts, clubs, bars – if that’s your jam) and have fun. People are always so confused when they see me out dancing and learn that I’m sober. To my point, not drinking doesn’t eliminate the option of going out and having fun. If anything, it empowers you even more to stand in your truth and let you inner confidence shine.
If people around you – friends, family, peers, co-workers – aren’t supporting your choice to abstain from alcohol, are constantly bugging you to “just take one sip,” or judging you in any way, shape, or form, you should probably rethink who you allow into your inner circle. Those people who truly care about you and your choices will support you, and those who have a problem with it, are projecting their own insecurities onto you and are probably the people who you shouldn’t be around in the first place.
You owe nobody an explanation as to why you aren’t drinking! Whether it’s to feel better in your skin, for health reasons, or just a personal preference for the night, week, or month, the decision is yours. I can’t emphasize enough that you owe nobody a justification of any sort. Again, a “them” problem rather than a “you” problem!
Owning your choice not to drink and choosing to show up for yourself, as your most authentic self, rather than drinking to please others, is both admirable and empowering. It’s nothing but inspiring! Shift your perspective, change your inner narrative, and let that enable you to confidently step into your decision not to drink.
Below are some of my favorite resources for those leaning into an alcohol-free lifestyle:
Non-alcoholic beverages:
Kin Euphorics (a non-alcoholic, functional beverage, designed using ingredients that nourish the mind and body and boost your mood)
De Soi (a non-alcoholic apertif made using natural adaptogens like reishi mushroom and ashwaganda to give you a stress-soothing effect one often looks for in an alcoholic beverage)
Ollipop (a functional soda with a fraction of the sugar and made with pre+probiotics for some gut love and digestive support)
Ghia (a non on-alcoholic apéritif packed with only pure, natural extracts, plants, herbals, and botanicals. Ghia has the natural ability to soothe and to stimulate)
Recess (a non-alcoholic beverage infused with functional ingredients like whole plant extracts and adaptogens for calm and clarity)
Seedlip (my newest discovery and potential obsession— the world's first distilled non-alcoholic spirit made by distilling individual botanicals/flavours (like spearmint, rosemary and thyme) and blending them into a final elixir.
Books:
Podcasts:
Three years ago when I made the choice to quit drinking – after I realized that alcohol was probably not good for my health given I was living in and out of hospital rooms and saw no end in sight – I felt extremely self-conscious, embarrassed, and nervous about what other people would think. Now, three “alcohol-free” year later, I’ve never felt so confident to tell people that I don’t drink. I love watching people’s eyes light up surprised and confused when I tell them I am sober and they realize that you can stay out late, dancing and all, and not be tripping on all kinds of sh*t. But here’s the best part – I’m living for me, not for my friends, my family, or acquaintances, but for me. I am living as my most aligned self, unafraid of what anyone else thinks, and doing what I need to do for myself and my health. Because what’s the point of living if it’s for others?
Wherever you are in your journey, I hope this resonates in some way. And remember that your choices are entirely up to you, and if that means ending your relationship with alcohol, own that decision and step into your truest self! The people who are there for you will support you regardless. Whether you’re experimenting with no alcohol or an avid alcohol drinker – I hope you feel seen in some light.
Xx,
Bella
